UBC 11: a Recipe for Twilight

The blog prompt for today had to do with recipes, and so I would like to share one with you. It is a tried and true list of ingredients that makes for a painfully delicious meal. Before I get to that, however, let’s give a little background.

Recently, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time voice chatting with some friends. There are only three of us on the server at most, so it is easy to keep up with conversations and companionable silence as we all deal with stay-at-home orders in our own way. We have been watching movies, some of them good, some with ambivalent endings, and some that are just pain awful.

In our conversations, I brought up that I have never seen the Twilight movies, much to their chagrin. I tried to read Twilight some time ago but stopped at chapter 7. I don’t know what prompted me except that I had some trouble getting into the head of the main character. I never went back and got my vampire and werewolf fix elsewhere.

So, we decided that I would be introduced to all of the movies and we’d get through them together. I went in with my misconceptions on the back burner. After all, there are plenty of movies that I appreciate more than the books. Also, people love to punch down about book series and movies that girls and women love and often act like men haven’t made some of the most godawful movies known to mankind. Not everything is for everyone. But I really, really don’t like these movies so far.

After making it through the first movie, I found that I wasn’t really invested until the end. But whatever, because I’m in this for the long haul. Are there seriously five movies?

So, below is my recipe for approaching the rest of these movies because now I’m invested.

1 plate of Ritz crackers or Baked Rounds. (seriously, they taste the same)
1 container of strawberry cream cheese
1 pouch of tuna (any flavor)
Cheese sticks. Lots and lots of cheese sticks.
1 bottle of strawberry Moscato wine
12 bottles of Smirnoff Ice (any flavor)
Literally any other alcohol that you can find and enjoy. Or juice. Or water. You’re gonna need it.

1. Prepare beforehand. You want your snacks ready and available. It’s a stressful time. Don’t add on to that by being unprepared.
2. You don’t want to mix the tuna, cream cheese, and cheese sticks together. Try to stick with a theme. Although right now everything is full of unreality, so that doesn’t have to be a hard and fast rule. The pallet wants what the pallet wants.
3. Settle in. If you’ve got a dog, invite them on the bed. Seriously, you’re going to need a cuddle buddy. But watch out. The dog may try to eat the crackers.
4. This goes without saying, but either open the bottle and pour before the movie starts, or just cradle that sucker close because you’ll need it readily available.
5. When Bella gets hurt, take a drink. When Edward tells her ‘you’re better off without me’ in a monotone timbre, take a drink. Seriously, no one ever really inflects in this movie until Jacob rages out. When Bella says that she only wants to be with Edward, you know what to do.
6. When Jacob goes from adorable platonic friend to misogynistic jerk, take a drink.
7. You may want another bottle on hand or take smaller sips. I ran out of alcohol before I ran out of movie.
8. Get sweet, sweet revenge by making your friends watch the glory that is Lost Boys.
This method worked for New Moon, although I made them watch Lost Boys after we finished twilight. Listen, that movie was awful but there is something about over-the-top sound design and fight scenes that literally wreck every piece of property the 80’s vampires are around. Also, you can substitute any and all of these things for different refreshments, cuddle buddies, or movies. Just be comfortable and enjoy.

Just wait until I show my friends Starship Troopers. That’ll teach them!

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